That’s all I want to scream over and over again!
As I sit here and type this I can feel the tiny contractions happening. The inevitable is coming, I am going to miscarriage, again. My Husband and I just suffered a miscarriage in June and here we are 4 months later going through the hell all over again. In June, my body would not miscarry on its own and it turned into me needing a D&C. This time is so different, yet so much the same.
The Waiting Game
I’ve known now for about 2 weeks that I was most likely going to miscarry again. After my appointment last week I started to lightly bleed. The bleeding has continued on and off for the past week. What the heck? Does my body seriously need to torture me more? Like losing my baby isn’t enough, it has to drag itself out so I can live the pain day after day.
Many women don’t talk about miscarriage and every person’s experience is different. I’ve never experienced a miscarriage that happened naturally. The scariest part is not knowing what to expect. I wonder, how badly will it hurt and how long will it last? Will I bleed a lot or will it continue to be minimal? Will I eventually be able to carry a baby to full term, do I even want to try again? The questions feel endless, as does the heartache.
No one prepares you
No one prepares you for the fact that all of a sudden you will notice every pregnant woman and every newborn baby. They also don’t tell you the fact that you will know you are losing your baby, but at the same time still feeling very pregnant. No one prepares you for the fact that you will be such an emotional wreck that you may cry at the drop of a dime, or feel so much anger you just want to punch anything in your way. No one prepares you for the hate you feel for yourself because your body can’t just do what it is meant to do and defiantly no one prepares you to grieve someone you have never met yet loved more then words could describe.
I feel broken, scared and alone. My Husband and I have been blessed with 6 wonderful children already, but this baby, just like the last, would have been our first child together. I know we can always try again, but the heartache is so overwhelming that I’m not sure I am strong enough to want to.
For now, I will love and mourn the baby I’ll never meet.
To find out more about miscarriage’s or support if you are struggling please visit the March Of Dimes